Co-Parenting: Helping your child handle disappointment

How to Help Your Child Handle Disappointment in Co-Parenting Conflicts

Co-parenting isn’t always simple.  Even with the best intentions, schedules clash and children sometimes miss out on meaningful activities.  For example, your daughter has performed in the Nutcracker for the past 5 years.  It is a beloved tradition.  This year, the other parent planned a trip that takes place on the same weekend as the Nutcracker performance.  Your daughter is now feeling heart broken, upset, frustrated and taking out her emotions on you.

If you’ve been in this situation, you know how difficult it can feel.  On one hand, you want to validate your child’s emotions.  On the other hand, you don’t want to create tension with the other parent.  The good news is you can navigate this with empathy and confidence.  Here’s how. 

1.      Normalize Your Child’s Feelings

Your child is not being dramatic; she is feeling genuine grief over missing something that matters deeply to her.  Let her know that it is okay to feel sad, frustrated, or even angry.  Sometimes, just hearing, “I understand how hard this is for you,” can make a child feel seen and safe.

2.      Lead With Empathy Before Explanation

It can be tempting to jump in and explain the situation (“Your dad already planned this trip….”), but your child may hear this as dismissive.  Instead, start with empathy: 

*” I can see how much you were looking forward to being in the Nutcracker.”

*” It makes sense that you’re upset about missing this year.” 

When kids feel understood, they’re more open to hearing explanations later.

3.      Don’t Fall into The Blame Trap

Children may direct their frustration at the parent they feel safest with.  If your daughter is upset with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean she blames you.  Resist the urge to say negative things about the other parent – it may relieve your frustration in the moment, but it adds long-term strain for your child.

Try this instead:

*” I know this is tough when two important things happen at the same time.”

*” You don’t have to pick sides.  It’s okay to feel upset about this.” 

4.      Invite Problem-Solving Together

While she may not be able to change the outcome this time, she can find ways to regain a sense of control.  Work together to explore alternatives:

*Can she watch another Nutcracker performance on a different date?

*Can you create a smaller version of the tradition at home – like watching a recording of her past performances?

*Could she take on a new holiday tradition that helps her feel connected and valued? 

The goal isn’t to “fix” everything, but to help her feel empowered instead of helpless.  This helps her deal with future disappointments and helps her learn some flexibility.

5.      What To Avoid

*Don’t minimize: “It’s just one year, it’s not a big deal.”

*Don’t rush: “Let’s just find another activity.”

*Don’t criticize the other parent: “This is your dad’s fault.”

These responses, while well-intentioned, can increase your child’s frustration and make her feel misunderstood.

Example Script You Can Use

“I hear how much you wanted to be in the Nutcracker again.  You’ve loved it for years, and it’s disappointing that it’s not working out this time.  It makes sense that you’re upset.  I want you to know your feelings are okay with me.  If you’d like, we can think together about a way to still keep this tradition special for you.”

Final Thoughts: 

Co-parenting conflicts are never easy, but moments like this are opportunities to model emotional regulation, empathy, and problem-solving for your child.  By staying calm, validating her feelings, and avoiding blame, you’re teaching her resilience – skills that will serve her for life.